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Advice & Information

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Harassment

Communication, self-management and conflict management

Classroom management

What can be done if you are harassed?

See 

Writing a letter to the harasser

The Advisor can help you to draft a letter.

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Responding to allegations of harassment

If you are accused of harassment:

Listen
Make an effort to listen to the other person and understand their point of view.

Accept
Accept that your actions have offended them, even if that was not your intention or if you think their reaction is unreasonable. Do not inflame the situation by, for example, repeating the behaviour, name-calling, denying or denigrating the other person's feelings or threatening retaliation. Let them know you have understood their point of view.

Act
Explain where you were coming from, your perspective, without denying or disagreeing with theirs. It is almost always a good idea to apologize for any misunderstanding that occurred or any harm you may have done, however unintentional. If having this conversation seems difficult, get some advice before responding. See the Conflict Resolution Advisor, your union or a counsellor.

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Bullying

An article by Susan Shaw, Director, Office for the Prevention of Discrimination and Harrassment, University of Victoria. See also links to websites on bullying in Off-Campus Links and Resources found on the menu in the left column.

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Sexual Harassment in the Workplace: Policies and Practices, An Overview

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Controlling Anger – Before It Controls You

The American Psychological Association's Web site explores this topic in detail.

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Listening Skills

By Naya Kee, Capilano University Conflict Resolution Advisor

How often have you come away from a conversation feeling like you just weren't heard? How does that make you feel about the other person? About the prospects for a satisfying, stimulating relationship? About working together? About yourself?

Being a good listener is not enough to create a communicative, respectful, conflict-resolving relationship — but it's utterly essential to that process. And it's a good place to start.

You may have already come across the following phrases: active, reflective or empathic listening. These all describe listening that is more than silence. It means:

  • Asking clarifying questions, e.g., "I want to make sure I understand, do you mean....?"
  • Summarizing, e.g., "So basically, you are saying that..."
  • Paraphrasing or reflecting back what they just said, e.g., "So you're really having a rough time with this" or simply, "Unhappy, eh?"

What good does this do? Try it. You will usually find that active listening works well in many ways:

  • it takes the pressure off you to come up with an immediate response — it gives you time to understand more fully and to relax .
  • it builds rapport with the other person . You're not thinking about your response when they're speaking, you're first simply trying to understand. People like that. Also, in listening you will often find yourself actually appreciating the other person more.
  • it defuses anger, frustration and anxiety. When given a chance to vent our feelings and someone else is really listening and giving us the time we need to express ourselves, most of us naturally calm down. We ourselves become ready to listen and even problem-solve.
  • You get more information. The more information you have, the more effective and relevant your response will be.
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Basic Guidelines for Giving Feedback

An article by Dr. Carter McNamara found at www.mapnp.org/library/commskls/feedback/basc_gde.htm

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Giving Critical Feedback

By Naya Kee, Capilano University Conflict Resolution Advisor

People who work together inevitably have information and judgments about each other and emotional reactions to each other every day. Sorting out what needs to be passed on, how to pass it on and to whom is an ordinary part of working life. How we act on our reactions, judgments and observations can foster harmony, understanding and safety, or it can create fear, distrust and disintegration.

Here are a few guidelines I've intermittently practised over the years that seem to help foster harmony, inner and outer:

  1. Wonder: how much of this is about me? Say, for example, my inner self angrily characterizes someone as greedy, stupid, rigid... you name it. If I'm able to be conscious, I question my reaction: what are my underlying concerns or fears? It's actually not unusual for me to find that the person is behaving like one of my parents and that I am reacting as if I am still a powerless child needing to rebel and fight for my independence or, conversely, collapse in acquiescence. Neither reaction is exactly serene. Yes, maybe the person is being greedy or rigid, but that's no reason for me to be disturbed and upset. Identifying the "blast from the past" helps me to find a clear-eyed, compassionate response that is appropriate to the present and honours my wish to keep on growing up! Such a long road…
  2. Speak directly to the person concerned. We all know how devastating it is to hear that someone has been making negative comments about us to a colleague, whether to a peer or, even worse, a superior. We feel betrayed, hurt and angry. The bad feelings easily spread to the whole work area. The most sensible and humane rule of thumb is, speak directly to the person first! Consider this, how you would like to be treated in similar circumstances?
  3. Begin with the specific and concrete. Imagine the difference in your response to these two statements: "You didn't cc me on your memos about our meeting with Rob last week" and "You are uncommunicative and are deliberately keeping me out of the loop." Give the person the details of the situation that concerns you. Making generalizations about the person or their behaviour creates defensiveness and conflict.
  4. Follow with your reaction/interpretation and the reason(s) for it. "So my reaction was to suspect that you were keeping me out of the loop deliberately and I got angry because I'm responsible for follow-up on that project." In this response you simply own your reaction and do not blame the other person. If you had said, "You made me angry…", you would be accusing the other person of an unkindness and he/she could easily get defensive and shut down. End of dialogue.
  5. State your intent to work it out. "I'd really like to talk about this with you so we can do it better next time." We begin with feedback and it turns out to be the prelude to a conversation. Undoubtedly we've got something to learn as well as something to say.

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Managing Your Reactions

By Naya Kee, Capilano University Conflict Resolution Advisor

A month ago I put a message on my computer screen saver. It is a passage from a Native American story rendered into English by David Waggoner, chair of poetry at the University of Washington. It scrolls very slowly across the middle of my black screen in light blue script:

Stand still. The forest knows where you are. You must let it find you.

These words are wonderfully grounding at those moments — and there are many — when I am simply lost in the complexity of the situation I am in and do not know what to do next. They calm me and centre me in my basic — many might say foolish — faith that meaning will emerge without my feverishly hounding it out, and that the situation itself will teach me what needs to happen next if I stay still long enough to pay full attention to the present moment.

In this example I am using my computer as a kind of self-talk. Self-talk happens when we say things to ourselves to remind us of how and who we chose to be. Undoubtedly, there are certain unchangeable aspects in the character of each one of us. That said, there is much we can do to unlearn beliefs, habits and attitudes that do not serve us. One way is to encourage our inner voice to give us messages that support us to change our conditioned reactions and old routines.

Self-talk works particularly well in situations where we feel ourselves on the verge of being triggered into anger. We might chose to say to ourselves, for example:

It's not worth it to get too angry about this.

Don't attack.

Getting upset won't help.

Listen first, respond later.

One of the participants at a workshop I gave recently was finding it very effective to say to herself, "It's not in your best interests to get angry here," whenever she was tempted to blow up in a situation where her anger could backfire.

Another time when self-talk can come to the rescue to keep the lines of communication open and respectful occurs when we find ourselves inwardly blaming other people, judging them, or making negative assumptions about their motives. We can interrupt that process with self-talk, such as:

I can't read her mind.

Other people don't have to meet my expectations.

I really don't know what's going on for him; I'm making assumptions.

Other people don't have to agree with me.

I'd rather be curious than judgmental.

Think about those situations in your life where you are simply not pleased with how you react. Consider what you might say to yourself to head off that habitual reaction. The possibilities are endless.

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Responding Constructively to Student Disruption

By Naya Kee, Capilano University Conflict Resolution Advisor

Student disruption occurs on a continiuum. The instructor has 3 basic choices:

  • ignore it
  • confront it
  • defuse it.

Ignoring it is the least effective option. The most unfortunate result of letting it go by is that other students become frustrated by the behaviour and may begin to act out themselves as they find themselves less and less able to focus in an unharmonious classroom.

Disruptive behaviour can be confronted in many venues:

  • by a note on an assignment
  • by a private word after class
  • by a direct response in the classroom.

The chart below is a suggested way to frame an in-class intervention. Note that it is brief, specific and includes a request to meet with the instructor after class.

BehaviourImpactRequestOffice Visit
When you raise your voice like that It creates tension and anxiety and makes discussion impossible. Please speak calmly and thoughtfully. I'd like to meet with you after class.
When you chat while others are speaking It disrupts the entire class. I expect everyone to pay attention in silence when others have the floor. I'd like to meet with you both after class.
When you mock and insult other students It creates discomfort and embarrassment. I want you to stop that behaviour now. I'd like to meet with you after class.
Escalating Consequesces
When you persist with being argumentative I can't continue with teaching. Stop now or leave the room. If you intend to continue with this class, see me in my office.
When you behave in such an threatening way I can't continue with the class. Stop now or security will be called. If you intend to continue with this class, see me in my office.

Call For Help

When all else fails or the situation suddenly goes from normal to threatening, CALL SECURITY 1763. Don't announce that what you're doing or the student may try to forcibly stop you.

Office Discussion with Disruptive Student

Purposes/Agenda

  1. To let the student know the impact of her/his behaviour on the learning environment and the value of appropriate participation.
  2. To understand where the student was coming from. Don't assume bad intentions or bad character from inappropriate behaviour. Ask whether there is anything you are doing that is contributing to the student's behaviour. What information might you not have access to that they think is important to the situation? How did your actions impact on them?
  3. To make agreements for the future.

Skills

If all is calm, you'll just need basic communication skills: assertive expression as above (Behaviour, Impact, Request) and active listening skills (paraphrasing, acknowledging feelings, asking open questions). If, however, the student gets angry you will need to know how to defuse her/him too.

Defuse

You may need to defuse and very angry student in your office or in the classroom. If the person's anger is very high they are analytically weak, so you need to talk to them in short, simple sentences.

Remain calm.
These thoughts may help you to do this:
I don't need to prove myself.
Shift from judgment to curiosity.
Non-verbally reassure the other person
Allow adequate personal space.
Slow calm movements, open handed gestures.
Encourage talking.
Maintain eye contact.
Don't interrupt.
"I'm interested in what you have to say."
Show understanding.
"You are angry because you got a B and not an A."
"You were embarrassed because I confronted you in class."
Help them save face.
Offer the option to pursue the issue later.
Refrain from openly judging their behaviour.
Reassure that their issues will be dealt with.
Disengage if necessary.
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Harassment & Conflict Resolution

Birch building, room 270A
Appointments may be arranged by calling 604.990.7863
E-mail: resolution@capilanou.ca

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